Dumped Again!

You see it coming and approach with dread – you can’t escape it now, you can’t change the outcome. You feel detached from your reality, as if watching from the sidelines as you ride into the crash! Your heart sinks and you can really physically feel it. You’re being dumped.

But this time was slightly unusual. I sat there blankly staring at the screen past the first few words, “Do you think it's time for us to move on…?” I mean at that point, I was pretty sure of what was coming. I believe that we always have the inklings but we, being the masters of denial that we often are, mostly choose to ignore the signs and bank on good ole hope. It hurt. It punched a great big hole in my contentment and rushed a spray of questions to my consciousness. Is it me? What did I do wrong? My carefully crafted world is falling apart! Will I never see her again?

Now incase you didn’t catch that or incase you haven’t yet put two and two together or incase you’re a really free-thinking being. I am female, I am heterosexual (so far) and I did say “her.” That’s why it was so strange and seemingly so much worse!

A little of background may lend to better understanding. I have this friend, let’s call her Porcelain. Porcelain and I have gone through a lot together and during what were arguably our most formative years. At the beginning of this year, Porcelain and I decided that we had to seriously and actively “do better”. We launched a self-actualization program that would allow us to enable each other to grow and allow us to share constructive ideas. It was Godsent! We spent hours together each week thrashing through the dense vegetation that is life, finding springs and reveling in those pure waters. Some weeks were darker and denser but together we struggled to make sense of the madness. Now she says she’s struggling to find the ‘right’ way to get her thoughts across to me!

She asks me if I feel I’m still getting out what I set out to be getting. I say yes I am. But one thing I agree with her is, it does sometimes feel forced. “I don't know if it's distance or insanity b/ there's been a shift.” And this too is true. And it’s not necessarily bad. It’s clearly that time when reassessments need to be made and change embraced. It’s that inevitable time.

It always is isn’t it? Change is something that I haven’t quite fully adjusted to loving. Before I even contemplate whether a change is for the better or for the worse, I tend to do away with sense and indulge pessimism (and Porcelain herself will tell you what a borderline-annoying optimist I usually am)! Yet change is one of the most beautiful phenomenona we have been given. It means we can improve, we can grow, we can learn different things and be nourished by newness. Change allows us to look forward to every next day because with it comes infinite possibilities. All that stands in the way of acceptance of this is our stubborn rigidity and fear of the unknown. We may claim to hate monotony and consistency but mostly those are aspirational lies.

And after all, I do believe that everything happens for a reason. Porcelain and I teamed out to increase our individual odds and this is the level of the game where we must bid each other good luck and wrestle on to slay the grand dragons by ourselves. Our camaderie shall live on for it is a ‘piece’ of what constitutes who we are today.